Letters to (and from) Dave

OK, NOW the site is really f*&*%$$  coming back!!! No one takes away t$$ty bars without hearing from Amerika!!

http://www.msnbc.com/news/388275.asp#survey

03/27/2000

Dave, you greedy bastard!

It is with a morning full of ennui that I write to you, on both the occasion of your first shower in 3 days, and because your site has been down for so long.

After drinking in your musings, I feel I know you. I have grieved for your "fake" Uncle Gerry-- that is, *before* the lawnmower incident-- and although I've struggled to go on without hearing what you had to eat for breakfast every day I'm sure that whatever happens now, the attention your getting from this will soon bring you back to us, because all you really wanted from us is this outpouring of love.

Man, you are so needy.

Since Nathan's estranged wife discovered his filthy habit, I've been
taking over-the-counter medicines like it's going out of style, beside myself with post nasal drip. I can hardly stand it anymore, and if you don't come back I'll surely fall asleep in front of the TV.

Please, Mr. Amerika, remove that photo of you with the really long hair-- you know, the one where you won the Watergate essay contest-- and do it quickly. We need you back, in action. We need your
lust for life. Don't wait anymore!

My pleas mean nothing without your presence,

Just call me "starship commander"

PS - Best of luck with your relentless purchasing!

From: "Racey Image" 
To: bringbackdaveamerika@hotmail.com 
Subject: trouble with twos
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 22:23:53 GMT

I was hanging out with this one really amazing guy and I met this other great guy right about the same time.  Imagine my distress. Should I stick with the tall guy with the convertible vet or the GQ guy with the Alfa? How can I choose without Dave's "the better of twos?"

Come back Dave!

Coming soon... just installed FrontPage on my new machine.  Now to transfer
the site files.... oooooooooo can you feeeeeeel it?

Dave, you greedy bastard!
It is with great nostalgia that I write to you, on both the occasion of my latest bikini wax, and because your site has been down for so long. 

After drinking in your musings, I feel I know you.  I have grieved for your friends and family-- or anyone who has had to share a place of residence with you; and although I've struggled to go on without your witty remarks about little rat I'm sure that whatever happens now, the money you're owed is long gone.  

Since the personage of Dave Amerika was incarcerated by federal authorities, I've been growning my hair and writing my memoires, beside myself with angst.  I can hardly stand it anymore, and if you don't come back I'll surely become bitter and hateful.

Please, Mr. Amerika, tell David Yeager that the 'state flowers' is as bad a band name as 'the honeyspots', and do it quickly.  We need you back, in action. We need your quick grits and we need them now. Don't wait anymore!

Am I going to get spam email if I submit this?
        
Bebe
PS - Eli is very great!
03/23/2000

My Dear Dave,
It is with the highest expectations that I write to you, on both the occasion of Joe's first mid-life crisis, and because your site has been down for so long. After drinking in your musings, I feel I know you.  I have grieved for your hapless pal, Tinky Winky, and although I've struggled to go on without your guidance  I'm sure that whatever happens now, the Democrats will prevail.

 Since your bulbous, watermelon-sized head developed a gravitational stranglehold, I've been constantly badgered by Joe, who stands beside me with a bad haircut.  I can hardly stand it anymore, and if you don't come back I'll surely shave his hair myself before he attempts to bleach it blond.

Please, Mr. Amerika, remove that photo of you with the really long hair-- you know, the one where you won the Watergate essay contest, and do it quickly.  We need you back, in action. We need your counseling prowess to help my husband as he goes through the first of many mid-life crises. Don't wait anymore!

With love, honor, and respect,
Kroke the Nasty

PS -  Tell Joe's boss to assign him more work...
03/22/2000

My Dear Dave,

It is with a big dip of catnip that I write to you, on both the occasion of another record breaking day the sangrio shop at bellevue square, and because your site has been down for so long. 

After drinking in your musings, I feel I know you. I have grieved for your poor, lonely dog, "Freckles"; and although I've struggled to go on without your manly presence I'm sure that whatever happens now, the microsoft legal team will take care of it.

Since our secret rendezvous among the lily-pads, I've been dreaming about your BIG jet ski,  beside myself with the sounds of motley crue purring  around me. I can hardly stand it anymore, and if you don't come back I'll surely o.d. on catnip.

Please, Mr. Amerika, remember the days at the beach in Leonardtown MD (with the PT Boat), and do it quickly. We need you back, in action. We need your love, Dave. Don't wait anymore!

With love, honor, and respect,

hello kitty

PS - it's time to mow your grass

Dave's Response:  you know I HAVE to bring it back just to post these emails!!  :)

3/22/00

Oh Dave, oh Dave,

It is with an extremely full belly that I write to you, on both the occasion of Bach's birthday, and because your site has been down for so long. 

After drinking in your musings, I feel I know you.  I have grieved for your hapless pal, Tinky Winky; constantly hounded by the evil Max... and although I've struggled to go on without any documented Brad sightings, I'm sure that whatever happens now, the lessons I've learned from Rant 'n' Dave will be with me forever.

Since your bulbous, canteloupe-shaped head developed a gravitational stranglehold, I've been forced to watch 47 hours straight of Three's Company, beside myself with ticklish feelings.  I can hardly stand it anymore, and if you don't come back I'll surely have to have to go work for the white-haired goon.

Please, Mr. Amerika, tell me again how I'm a loser. And how my parents are too. I love it; and do it quickly.  We need you back, in action. We need your old Taurus out of the garage, so to speak. Don't wait anymore!

With love, honor, and respect,,

JT

PS - Want to have lunch next week?

From: swelsch@XXX.com 
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2000 6:39 AM
To: dave.amerika @worldnet.att.net
Subject: your mardi gras site

i LOVE your site! it's HILARIOUS! thanks for converting my normally dull Wednesday into a great humpday!

My Dear Dave,
It is with my big fantasy that I write to you, on both the occasion of my 21st birthday, and because your site has been down for so long.  After drinking in your musings, I feel I know you. I have grieved for your hapless pal, Tinky Winky; constantly hounded by the evil Max; and although I've struggled to go on without your big nose, I'm sure that whatever happens now, Amerika will help us all.

Since the personage of Dave Amerika was incarcerated by federal authorities, I've been spanking Janet Reno, beside myself with Tinky & Max. I can hardly stand it anymore, and if you don't come back I'll surely find another man w/out 'skin.

Please, Mr. Amerika, remove that photo of you with the really long hair-- you know, the one where you won the Watergate essay contest, and do it quickly. We need you back, in action. We need your big feet. Don't wait anymore!

With love, honor, and respect,
Stanford Dolly #3

PS - The Dollies will always love and support you
03/22/2000

Please-- send a letter too! 
Either
1) use our handy form-letter, or
2) write dave directly at mailto:dave.amerika@worldnet.att.net  (cc bringbackdaveamerika@hotmail.com if you'd like your letter to appear here as well.)